a little less grumpy today

I’ve been realizing that I have a problem. I’m not as self reflective as I use to be. Being reflective can be a joy. But it can also be difficult and even painful at times. Especially when you possess unresolved hurts and bitterness. It seems I’ve been storing up my share of those in recent years. Family members’ health problems. My own health/back problems. Loss of loved ones. A very hurtful situation at the last church my dad pastored. Controversy and turmoil at my own church. Not to mention all the other weights of the world. These things have worn me down. I know that my relationship with God has been effected. I’ve become less insightful and more superficial. It’s easier to keep treading up on the surface than to dive down and check out my own injuries. I know that it takes a lot of energy to do work on yourself and allow God to heal hurts. It’s less distressing to keep a band aid on top of a wound than to do surgery and remove any infected parts so that your heart can heal properly. But in doing that we keep ourselves from living up to our potential and being all that God wants us to be.

Last year I bought a leather bound journal with a tie like I’ve always wanted. I had the intention to write in that journal every day. A year later it’s not even ¼ full. Now I want to look beneath the surface and see what’s there. I got out that really cool journal the other night and this is what I started...

I sit in bed as I write this listening to Feist on my iPod in order to block out the sounds of my next door neighbor with the very deep voice as he talk to his wife...or his dog, Shamus (I think she’s Scottish). He kind of looks like John Carter Cash, b-t-w.

Have you ever had someone tell you that a “word” came to them about/for you as they were praying? A word...meaning a scripture...a sentence...one single word....It’s happened to me a few times. The first time the validity and meaning were clear. The second time well, I had my doubts. I was in college and my friend, Femi, had one word for me. Kindness. Femi didn’t seem to know why the word kindness came to him as he prayed for me and I had no idea either. Honestly, I was a little annoyed by it-wondering “am I not a kind person?” For the most part I put this out of my mind. Forgot. Whatever. But every once and awhile the memory of Femi’s word would come back to me. Over the last few years the message of kindness keeps popping up in my life. Call it some kind of unconscious form of self fulfilling Femi Prophecy. But these messages/lessons/whatever are getting my attention and may be asking me to do something with them. I started keeping a notebook in which I’ve jotted down thoughts on kindness, stories, and antidotes. [This Feist song, Inside and Out, is one of my favorites. The Bee Gees wrote it. Seriously.] I don’t know what I’ll do with the information in my notebook. Is there a book? A “sermon”? I don’t know. I don’t know. After a recent conversation with someone on tidying up after others with an attitude of joy I was telling CBHSG that I need to do something with all of these “things” I’ve been collecting on kindness.

Then it hit me...I have a blog. Maybe it’s a place to start. I don’t claim to be much of a writer. I have spelling issues. I worry about my sentence structure. Sometimes I write too fast and type the wrong word. So I hope you’ll indulge me as I being to try out these thoughts on you.